I am a man who has been broken because I have failed in the most important human relationship created by God. It is a human relationship that God established, blessed, and devised to be a picture of how he deals both with His old covenant people Israel and His New Covenant people- the Church.
A point of clarification: The church is the invisible and universal body of Christ. The members of the church are those who are born again by God, having repented of sin and trusted in (two sides of the same coin granted by God's grace Ephesians 2:8-9) Christ alone for their salvation.
I will begin with a parable; There was a man who married a wife. He was in love with her, and desired to serve her and honor God with all of his being by loving her like Christ does the church. With this same passion, He also dove into ministry. As years passed, and children came into the home, and the cares of this world and the realities of married life crept in, this man began to pour his life into ministry. You see, at home, he did not feel the same respect that he did in ministry. People in his ministry hung on his every word, laughed at his jokes, and really were blessed what he had to say. He lost that at home, because his wife saw him act in dishonorable and non respectful ways. She did not hang on his every word, laugh at his jokes, and was often times not blessed, but cursed by him as stupid or not understanding. You see, the demands at home were not being met because he was pouring his life and all of his energy into his ministry. His wife and kids got the leftovers. Eventually, his wife left him. She was seen as the bad person, She was condemned as the non Christian.
At this point, you are probably
thinking that the spouse is responsible for her own responses. Yes, that is true. However,
the man sets the tone. The scripture is very clear that the man’s role in
marriage is the one of headship, and with that great power comes great
responsibility. Ephesians 5:23-33 details the husband’s role.
25 Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
How
does Christ want us to love our wives? Like Christ loved the church. It is
agape love, something that Christian marriages strive to emulate. It is choosing
to place love on a person, love without strings attached, love that prefers the
object of the love above all others. How did Christ demonstrate Agape love towards
the church? He laid down his life for the church. He gave up his human existence
for the church. How can a man do that for his wife? By preferring her needs above that of his own; her need to be loved and feel loved above his need for respect and self-fulfillment. This example is found in Christ. There is nothing that Christ did not give. He left his heavenly home, laid down some of his attributes for a time, took on flesh, and the confinement of time to save His people- His bride. He gave it all, submitting to the Father before the beginning of time to lay
down His life for His sheep. This is not a legalistic standard, it is an
attitude. It is a conviction. It is a
decision to place the needs of the object of your love above that of your own
life. It is a act of gratitude for what Christ has done for you.
When a husband prefers ministry or elevates ministry (or work, or anything) over the obligation to love his wife, he is demonstrating a lack of understanding about the Gospel. I wonder specifically about para-church evangelism ministry: Why would a man travel across the country for days, weeks, or even months at a time to seek out a soul that is lost? He will say because he loves them and is concerned for their soul. He is commanded to seek and to save that which is lost. When he is willing to do that while leaving aside or downgrading the priority of loving his wife as Christ loved the church, is he serving God, or serving self? When the wife clearly communicates that she is not feeling loved, regardless if her motivation is pure, the priority is to listen, to hear, and to respond by laying down your life and even your ministry to love your wife as Christ loves the church. This brings more glory to God than any sermon ever preached.
26 that he might sanctify
her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in
splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and
without blemish.[a]
The next way that Jesus showed
Agape love for His body, the church, was laying down his life to save her and
also to sanctify her. It was not enough that Christ died to justify us before
God and to make us righteous, His laying down his life also benefited us by
cleansing us, making us holy. A man who lays down his life for his wife looks
like a man who is concerned and intentional in making sure His wife is not only
a Christian, but also strives to make her holy through the Word of God. He
studies with her, reads with her, prays with her. When he sins, and he will, he
confesses to her and seeks her forgiveness. He models the life as a Christian.
He seeks to emulate Christ in all he does. And the focus, again, is on the
object, his wife, who is loved and preferred above all else. Christ placed this
focused love on His sheep, and his focused love was so intense that he laid
down his life for the object loved. Men are commanded to do the same. We will
never do it perfectly, but it should be our life’s focus.
Men in ministry and in industry will spend hours in study. Pastors I know take 16-20 hours a week preparing for their sermon. Men in industry prepare and study so they can be the top in their field. While men in ministry hopefully are doing these things to the glory of God, and Christian men in industry do the same, I wonder if many even put a fraction of the energy into doing the job Jesus commands in sanctifying their wives? I do not know any man in ministry or industry who would give up just because someone is stubborn and does not want to listen. They will continue to pursue and strive because they want the best for that person. Why then do we lay down that responsibility at home, where we have been commanded to do it?
28 In the same way husbands
should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. 29 For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are
members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his
father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh.” 32 This
mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Christ’s agape
love is demonstrated in that, while we were still sinners, He died for us
(believers). He showed his love by preferring our need for righteousness above
his need for life. When the scripture describes this love, it says several
times that we ought to love our neighbors as ourselves, and here it says as our
own bodies. I do not know about you, but when I am hungry, all I can think
about is what I am going to eat, and where I am going to eat. It is my primary
concern. That is the attitude we ought to have in dealing with our neighbor,
and in a more intentional way with our spouses. Our love and preference for our
spouses overrides and is on a higher level of importance than loving our
neighbor. Christ is in us, we no longer live, but Christ lives in us (Galatians
2:20). In the spiritual realm, we are seen as righteous, because the Spirit of
Christ now dwells in us. We are indistinguishable from Him in the heavenlies,
and we are to become more like Him as we walk this earth. In the same way, we
are to be one flesh with our wife. We are separate people (like Christ and Us)
but we are one flesh in the spiritual realm. Our wives are our flesh. We are to
nourish them spiritually, cherish them above all others. We do this to our own
benefit, and if we fail to do it, it is to our detriment.
It is here that we see that marriages are
broken. If we do not love, nourish, and cherish our wives, then something
spiritual happens. It is like a tear in our flesh. It is as though there is a
wound that must be dealt with, and if it is not, the wound festers, becomes
infected, and eventually can lead to amputation or even death. When we are not
behaving like Christ to our wives, it is like a wound to our own flesh. She
recognizes it in her spirit. If we do not deal with loving her spirit, and
taking care of that wound, we are doing damage to our own flesh. Now, carrying
through the illustration, when we deal with a wound, it is not always pleasant.
It can hurt. The medicine that brings relief often stings. And the longer that
it takes for the medicine to be applied, however, the worse it becomes. If you
love your body, and you get a cut, you deal with it. We must be so attune to
our wives’ spirit that if we wound her spirit, we need to be ready to bring the
medicine of repentance, confession, and forgiveness to bear so that you can be
healed.
What I hear and see all too often in ministry is a man who is self-centered and focused on building his own kingdom while claiming to build Christ's kingdom. As stated above, in building our kingdoms in ministry or industry, we will strive to understand the mindset of the market in which we live, studying and gaining knowledge about how best to serve our congregation or our market. Yet, we spend little time and effort in an attempt to live with our wives in an understanding
way (1
Peter 3:7) .
33 However, let each one of
you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her
husband.
So the
command in this verse is clear: love your wife as yourself. This is the highest
order. The man holds the burden of responsibility in the marriage to love his
wife as Christ loves the church. The responsibility of the wife is to lovingly
submit and to respect her husband.
But you
retort- what if the wife just hates ministry? Are you a believer in the sovereignty of God? Do you think
that God chooses the one to whom we are supposed to be married so that our
spouse can help us be built more into the image of Christ? Or does God’s sovereignty end with our decisions
about who we marry? Does not God make all things to work out for the good
(Romans 8:28) so that we can be made into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29) or
just some things?
Marriage brings together into one flesh two people who are sinful. They are two people who need the Gospel. Every day. They need
to realize that they are each broken and sinful people. They both need to
realize that they are incapable of doing the things God has commanded them to
do. The husband needs to realize that he cannot love His wife perfectly, but he will
strive to with the help of Christ. When he fails, he will repent, confess, and seek
forgiveness of both his wife and from God. He will receive grace and forgiveness
and will be made whole. That is the gospel. When the wife does not submit to the husband or give him respect, she will realize it, repent of it, confess and seek
forgiveness from her husband and from God, and she will receive grace and forgiveness
and be made whole. That is the Gospel. And
when this is demonstrated in marriage, it brings more glory to God.
As ministers of the Gospel, we all must hold one another in the church to this standard of Gospel living before we
do any gospel preaching. Again, we cannot do it perfectly. But we must strive
to do it. When we fail, we must repent, confess our sin, and seek forgiveness. And there are seasons we must lay down the ministry to repair our marriage.
Part one
Part Two
Part Three
Part one
Part Two
Part Three
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